For most of my life I struggled with a very painful relationship with food and my body where I ate compulsively and binged, or deprived myself of food altogether while engaging in extreme exercise to the point of all out exhaustion.
My depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts started when I was very young. I even attempted suicide when I was just 8 years old, using my Dad’s jump rope in the tree in our front yard. Now I know this was a result of biochemical imbalances that run in my family, coupled with childhood abuse and trauma. Today, we know that childhood trauma and abuse have the ability to profoundly alter biochemistry, therefore impacting us at the level of DNA.
As I got older, I suffered terribly with depression, chronic fatigue, digestive distress, weight gain, and sleep and skin problems to name just a few. Emotionally, I was riddled with anxiety, panic, loneliness, and massive amounts of guilt and shame. I was constantly paralyzed with fear and intrusive thoughts about being trapped in a body I hated with what appeared to be no way out.
Over the years I sought help from multiple practitioners including counselors, therapists, psychics, and astrologers. I tried myriad therapies including affirmations, visions quests and meditation, as well as Prozac, Zoloft, St. John's Wort, 5HTP and everything in between (not to mention all the crazy diets I went on). In total, I spent well over $100,000 in an effort to find out why my brain was so broken.
Nothing seemed to help or it brought only temporary relief, or even worse, sent me into deeper depths of despair. I quickly learned how vulnerable I was and how easy it was for people to take advantage and manipulate me. Deep down I knew I wasn't crazy but years of trauma and gaslighting made me question my sanity and self-worth, something I would constantly ruminate over.
My turning point came while working in the corporate world as a fashion designer when my depression got so bad I contemplated suicide once more as a solution to end my suffering. At the time, I was in a constant binge/purge cycle with food. My purging behaviors were extreme exercise and fasting, rather than vomiting, otherwise known as non-purging bulimia.
Then, finally, my lifelong battle with severe depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety and disordered eating finally came to an end when lab testing confirmed root causes to my suffering came from two little known genetically inherited conditions: copper toxicity and undermethylation.
With balanced chemistry I was able to fully embrace my story and begin the process of working through the trauma and abuse in a way I couldn’t before. With a clear mind, I was finally able to see the Truth of how I had been harmed, a process I continue to this day.
Over the years I've come to realize that the physical, spiritual, and emotional parts of ourselves work in synergy with one another. It's like the perfect marriage: food nutrients heal on the physical level, while emotional nutrients from relationships and therapeutic practices rewire healthy neuronal circuitry in the brain.
Today I enjoy food without anxiety, fear or restriction, and without worrying about my weight. If I want to indulge, I do it with joy. I honor my body and trust my instincts. I refuse to buy into the cultural delusion that says my value is dictated by the number I see on the scale or the size dress I wear.
My hope and prayer for you is that my story speaks to your heart, and that you too may be given hope to embark on your own healing journey.